A large part of parenting is classical conditioning – teaching our kids how to act and why.

In classical conditioning there are 2 basic sets of reinforcements we can use – punishments and rewards. The most basic form of punishments and rewards is verbal: corrections and compliments. Every time you notice and point out something your kid did well, it’s a compliment. Every time you point out something he did poorly, it’s a correction. I want to encourage you to use compliments far more than corrections, because it’s just as effective and it’s healthier for the developing psychology of our kids.

Compliments can be simple, but if you will point out what they specifically did well, the more powerful the reinforcement is. For example, “Way to go!” is an encouraging thing to hear and will be helpful. But it’s even more helpful when you attach the compliment to the specific behavior you want more of: “Way to go! You unloaded the dishwasher without being asked!”

Compliments can evolve to an even more powerful reinforcement, when you tie them to character: “Way to go! You unloaded the dishwasher without being asked! That shows initiative!”

Try creating great compliments through this simple formula¹:

You are being…
I know because…
I’m glad because…

In our example we’ve been using, it would look like this: “You are being responsible! I know because you unloaded the dishwasher without being asked. I’m glad because this shows you are maturing and responsibility is an important job skill.”

Be sure to use the words “you’re being” as opposed to “you are”. It emphasizes choice and it makes the point that character is something you have to choose continually. People can be responsible one day and irresponsible later. “You are being responsible” helps them like being responsible and want to keep being responsible.

There is certainly a time for corrections, and using the same formula may help the correction avoid a negative effect on the teen’s psychology and self-talk. Just be sure to add a 4th element to end of the formula: “and therefore…” This helps the correction be more than criticism by suggesting a solution.

“You are being irresponsible. I know because you didn’t unload the dishwasher. I’m not glad because I have to wash the dishes after dinner. Therefore, you need to start checking your chores before you play video games after school.”

Try to deliver correction in a non-emotional way. Be matter-of-fact and sensitive, but solid. I often will make puppy dog eyes in tenderness to show I’m empathetic and almost apologetic to have to give this correction. I try to come across like I don’t want to have to say this, but I care enough about you that I’m going to anyway. This correction is coming from a place of love and empathy, not anger or condemnation. If you do feel some annoyance, it may be good to delay the correction until you are in control of how you come across. Smile, slow down your words, lower your tone, and soften the volume. It’s hard to come across as angry when you do those things.

1. I’m borrowing this formula from Dr. Kathy Koch at https://celebratekids.com. ↩︎