Parents with a struggling teen are often battered by a whirlwind of emotions. From financial worries to guilt to concerns about their child’s future, it’s a tangled mess. But here’s the good news: feeling discouraged doesn’t mean you’re failing—it’s a perfectly normal response to a challenging situation. However, it’s vital to recognize that your child picks up on your emotional state, and it can significantly impact how they perceive their own struggles.

When we are children, our parents are our solid object in life – that thing that we feel we can always count on, that pillar that is supposed to be unshakable. If parents are visibly shaken, then the world feels really unsafe. But if parents are at peace, then the plane could be going down in flames, but the child still feels safe. A 1-year-old may be oblivious to the reality of being on a flying piece of metal, but he’s always locked into his parents and their emotions inform his own sense of comfort and safety. Well now we are dealing with teens, and they are much more aware of what’s going on around them, but they are still looking to parents to some degree as their secure attachment and their solid object. 

How you respond in certain moments such as a confession or getting caught or him telling you his girlfriend is pregnant etc, will go a long way in helping him determine how severely broken he is. If he walks away feeling like you are shaken by his reality, then he is likely to 1. feel more demoralized about his own self and 2. decide he can’t trust you with his chaos which then leads to more hiding. If they sense your discouragement, it can deepen their own sense of despair and lead to increased secrecy.

A parent who is too easily discouraged can put too much pressure on the kid, trying to control the situation. That can lead to worsening problems and the discouragement becomes a sort of self-fulfilling prophecy. 

So, how do you encourage your kid when you yourself are feeling discouraged?

1. Be honest and be careful with wording. Try to be matter-of-fact and avoid crying etc. Honesty without overloading his emotional circuitry. For example, after he tells you he is going to be a dad and he’s just 15, you could try one of these responses: “That is some big news, son. How do you feel about that? What are your thoughts? …. What reaction from me would be most helpful to you right now? Do you need a hug?… Do you need me to tell you the value of abstinence until marriage or are you already processing that on your own? Do you need me to tell you it’s going to be ok?… I can’t say it’s going to be easy, but it is going to be ok. We will make it through this.”  Obviously, I don’t mean ask ALL those questions. And whatever you say, say it sincerely and with a sense of peace. 
2. To be able to do this authentically, you have to always be working on your own emotional health. You having your supports and using them, you having your own therapist, you spending time with God in prayer and laying down your burdens daily, etc. is going to set the best model for your son and it’s going to prepare you to respond in ways that are authentically moralizing for your him. 
3. Allow reframes from helpful people take hold in your head and heart. Sometimes when your therapist or your son’s therapist, your pastor, your spouse, and helpful friends try to reframe the situation for you, it can feel like you’re being “handled” and it’s easy to reject their words. But if their reframes are logical and if they lead to better mental health and if they help you respond in a more helpful way, then accept them! Why would we choose to live in fear if we could just as authentically live in faith and peace? Why would we choose a glass half empty when we could have a glass half full? And yet we do that a lot, don’t we? 

A lot of finding peace is about releasing the need for control. Admitting that their journey is increasingly theirs to manage can be challenging, but it’s a crucial step toward finding peace within yourself.

Remember, you’re doing great. You got your kid help and you’re staying involved. By acknowledging your own struggles and seeking support, you’re setting a powerful example for your child. Encouraging yourself enables you to be the source of strength and support your child needs during difficult times.