If you are excited to read this article because you’re thinking maybe I can give you tips on how to control your teenager better, you need to know this is not that article.

It is not Christian to try to control other people. Jesus refuses to control people, and at great cost to himself. God even allows the children He loves to choose self-destruction. At the end of the day, God is the only one who can possibly control a person, but He refuses to. We cannot control people and we try to do it all the time. And the cost of those misguided efforts are sometimes extreme.

Over the years too many stories have accumulated about me trying to control teens, but let me choose the first one that comes to my mind. Elijah was 16 when I met him. His father was MIA. His mother was doing the best she could as a single parent. Elijah was not raised in church, but a friend had invited him to our youth group. He liked it and stuck around. Elijah and I became buds, and over time I became a sort of spiritual father figure to him. God knows, I loved that boy like my own son even though I was only 12 years older than him. After I had spiritually parented this young man for over a year and been through a lot of good and bad times with him, the winds shifted in my life and I moved from Texas to Arkansas to start the rest of my life. It was exciting and hard at the same time, and the hardest was leaving Elijah. I had lots of spiritual sons and daughters in Texas, but it seemed like none needed me as much as this young man and I hated that he would feel another “abandonment” from another father figure. And yet, I knew I had to leave. He and I planned a visit soon. When Elijah visited me in Arkansas it was such a blessed time! I had a blast showing him my new life, taking him waterfalling and camping, and just catching up. But on the drive back to Texas together, Elijah and I had a disagreement over music (sound familiar?). And when I heard him defending the lifestyle and values purported in the lyrics, I was triggered. Fear for my spiritual son’s future struck me to the core and I lost my temper. I verbally lashed him. I don’t know what all I said, but I’m pretty sure he will always remember whatever harsh words came out of my mouth. Elijah and I were never close after that and Elijah fell away from Jesus completely. My fears accomplished the very thing I was scared of.

Just like you, when I try to control my teens it is always out of love, care, best intentions. I wanted to see Elijah’s relationship with Jesus to thrive, for him to become a mighty man of God, for him to live the best life he could – healed of all the woundings of his childhood, lies he has believed about himself, and to not carry the heavy hurt I always knew him to carry. But when fear that those desires for him might not happen because he was wayward in his music selection or in his value system at 18 years old, when that fear hit me, it caused a subconscious reaction to try and control him by my anger.

‘My dearest brothers and sisters, take this to heart: Be quick to listen, but slow to speak. And be slow to become angry, for human anger is never a legitimate tool to promote God’s righteous purpose. ‘ James 1:19-20

I won’t leave you hanging. Controlling Teens Part 2 is coming soon.